We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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