my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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