Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
