hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
