I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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