So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
