3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Umm I'm too high to move.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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