I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
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