i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
