i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
