i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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