I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
