3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
