careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
