some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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