I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
