I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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