I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
