I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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