puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
