After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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