Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
