when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
