Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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