I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
