The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Randomize
