My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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