if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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