dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
