it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
