Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
