It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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