Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
