as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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