Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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