eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
