true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
