my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
