We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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