im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize