i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
