my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
