Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
