It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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