I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
