i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
