so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
