I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize