Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
