i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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