The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
