my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
