you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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