His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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