I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
