are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
