i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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