toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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