I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
