Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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