My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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